My life is so completely twisted around at this juncture in my life. I suppose that might not be all the different from the norm, but it feels like the storm at hand has taken a healthy dose of steroids. This is not my rambling attempt to say that I don't have a part in these struggles, it's just a shot at hashing it out in writing for my own brain to comprehend.
First off, I'm trying to understand if my perception of what a relationship should be is wrong? Or if maybe, I actually know what I want out of life and the people in it? I've done so much fighting, as of late, that it has really helped me come to the conclusion that there has to be an alternative. Is it possible that there is a way to hash out two people's differences as adults, without screaming or badgering? Are there any people out there that truly enjoy being together, so much so that it allows them the courage to be apart, and trust eachother? It seems like I get advice that falls on both sides of the fence. Some will tell me that "marriage is work", or "fighting is just part of it". And while I completely agree with a certain percentage of each one of those statements, I also hear people say that "we've been together for thirty-one years and have fought twice"! I realize that both sides carry a certain amount of validity, but I would rather error on the side of the latter. I guess I'm just hoping that, no matter how this craziness of my life turns out, I can make the decision that will allow me to be happy. I do believe it's possible.
And finally, I'm sure that if anyone who actually knows me is reading this, they will have an idea of the storms I am referring to, and have one of two views of the situation. It is far beyond my imagination to have dreampt up anything like this. On one hand I wanna jump for joy, on the other I want to punch myself in the face for my mistakes. The truth of the matter is, I've thrown punches, and been the recipient. I don't want to compound wrong with more wrong, because I feel like that's what I have been doing. So this is the point of my questions, to stop the cycle of inflicting and enduring wrongs, to do what's best for all parties involved. I realize these are rhetorical, at least until we drink a couple and discuss. :) Peace
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
inevitable
Today is kinda brutal. But then again, so was yesterday and the day before. Ive almost been alive for 35 years, and if there is one constant in my life, it's that nothing is ever constant. I'm not sure if it's DNA, me being a product of my environment, or maybe I'm just a little bi-polar. Who knows? All I can say is that I'm trying to figure it out myself.
Sometimes I sit and wonder if there is other people who go through "highs and lows" as drastically as I do? It's probably arrogant to believe that there isn't. Without consistently being under the influence, my mind is a little more clear. One of the things that pops into this semi-clear mind is the fact that I know now that I don't want to fall in love with any feeling or mood. It seems to me that the time frame following a long period of doing all the wrong things, you get the "sensation" or warm fuzziness that you are forgiven. I'm convinced that the redemption is real, but I'm getting to a place that I'm becoming weary of the feelings.
Over the course of the last week, my dispositon has become a lot less enthusiastic. This was inevitable. But where do I go from here? I've realized that I'm just as much a sinner, with or without drugs. This kind of brings me back to my original point: This is where I can choose to believe my emotions and go off the deep end, or this is where I start trying to understand that I am not in search of a constant sunshiny attitude.
What I am praying is that I continue to seek something deeper, something that means so much more than a fleeting emotional high. If I'm being honest, I don't understand myself. I have spent my life avoiding who I am, and it's really important to me that I start now. I know that this may not make sense to most people, and I'm sorry. But I really believe that the only way to handle the ups and downs of this screwed up life of mine is to ask my Creator for help. Help when I'm stoked. Help when I'm feeling like the piece of shit I feel like right now. And help to believe that there is a point to all this.
Sorry about what may seem like a negative post. It's actually not, it's important to face reality. Honestly, I write these to help myself figure out what I'm thinking. So I have to be real.
Sometimes I sit and wonder if there is other people who go through "highs and lows" as drastically as I do? It's probably arrogant to believe that there isn't. Without consistently being under the influence, my mind is a little more clear. One of the things that pops into this semi-clear mind is the fact that I know now that I don't want to fall in love with any feeling or mood. It seems to me that the time frame following a long period of doing all the wrong things, you get the "sensation" or warm fuzziness that you are forgiven. I'm convinced that the redemption is real, but I'm getting to a place that I'm becoming weary of the feelings.
Over the course of the last week, my dispositon has become a lot less enthusiastic. This was inevitable. But where do I go from here? I've realized that I'm just as much a sinner, with or without drugs. This kind of brings me back to my original point: This is where I can choose to believe my emotions and go off the deep end, or this is where I start trying to understand that I am not in search of a constant sunshiny attitude.
What I am praying is that I continue to seek something deeper, something that means so much more than a fleeting emotional high. If I'm being honest, I don't understand myself. I have spent my life avoiding who I am, and it's really important to me that I start now. I know that this may not make sense to most people, and I'm sorry. But I really believe that the only way to handle the ups and downs of this screwed up life of mine is to ask my Creator for help. Help when I'm stoked. Help when I'm feeling like the piece of shit I feel like right now. And help to believe that there is a point to all this.
Sorry about what may seem like a negative post. It's actually not, it's important to face reality. Honestly, I write these to help myself figure out what I'm thinking. So I have to be real.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Declaration of War
I love music. I honestly believe it is one of the most powerful influences over our lives, whether we know it or not. At my church the pastors who oversee the music are awesome! First of all, they are willing to step outside of the box and worship Jesus with all sorts of different styles or genre's. Let's face it, doesn't matter if you are playing the spoons. If you are praising the King, then it's worship. But more importantly, and I think this is huge, it's not to whip you up into some frenzy to make you worship the music itself. The importance, I believe, is always centered around Christ.
So much for a preamble, the reason I started this way is because of a certain song, and even more a certain line in the song itself. "Sin is a declaration of war" it says. I was eating a chicken cordon blue from Arby's and pondering these words, when low and behold, my mind began to think of how this has personally affected me, and how I see it affect the world. Now obviously, getting into all of these issues is impossible, but I just wanted to speak on a few that popped in my head. So...
Personally, I have seen time and time again how sin causes one to believe that the Father did not put into our bodies, the perfect amount of endorphins, natural opioids and receptors, and all the other "feel good" parts of our brains. It started harmlessly, I thought. Twelve years old, drinking and smoking weed. Dude, I was cool, all the older kids loved me. Well, by fourteen it was acid. By seventeen coke. By twenty ecstasy. And last, but definitely not least, opiates! Twenty plus years of relying on substances to help me "deal" with life. Friends die, go to jail, and all the other glamorous shit with drugs. But yet this lie, this sin, holds on like a freakin tic, trying to suck out all of your life, and silly me, I thought I loved it. I don't. I love how I feel right now, even though I know that feelings are fleeting. I'm clean, and at random times in my day, I think about the wonderful life that can be had RIGHT HERE because of Jesus. We are free. I can always enjoy a good beer. Sin however, if we get cocky, will twist and distort any good thing that God Himself gave us to enjoy. FYI, if you are shooting up heroine, you aren't "enjoying", you are "escaping". Call me dog, I will try to help.
Next on my little list, sex. Unfortunately, I am so far from pure it makes me cry. Let's think about how natural this is supposed to be. Now, let's think about pop culture, and what "pops" into our minds. We are in this boat together, I do not know of a person with absolutely no "desires" whatsoever. Sex, in the Biblical context, is the most pure, awesome, and enjoyable act we have been blessed with! Of course, I say this as someone who has no idea what that means at all! Can you say, healthy conviction? Obviously, I am humbled by His Grace. Instead of listing all of these sexual acts that are clearly outside of what God's Word says, I would rather think about how I've thrown people under the bus for committing one of the "others", and ignoring mine. Good possibility you know what I'm talking about. Not only has sin warped our understanding, confidence, and trust that sex is supposed to be an act of worship, it has us hating other people for the same sexual sin we are guilty of. I am personally guilty of all of the above. I am now asking for help. Help to love and pray for anyone struggling. Help to pray before I act on the impulse of sin.
Ok, that's enough. Just in these couple paragraphs I think most people can relate and say, we took the bait. The devil, the enemy, he is the one who presented this plague we call sin. We are still taking the bait. And as a matter of fact, we can't escape our flesh, which is sinful in itself. I know I have friends who may read this who don't even believe there is such thing as sin, or God, or whatever. Not to be a dick, but look around. And if there is this "all powerful God", why would He leave us here to rot? He didn't. Dude, if you've heard "all the stories", and you think you know about Jesus Christ, please do me a favor. Read the book in the Bible called Hebrews. I'm convinced that every piece of His Word is mighty to save, but I love this book because I can feel how God went out of His way to show us that He understands.
Make no mistake about it, sin IS A DECLARATION OF WAR! But we already know the end.........
So much for a preamble, the reason I started this way is because of a certain song, and even more a certain line in the song itself. "Sin is a declaration of war" it says. I was eating a chicken cordon blue from Arby's and pondering these words, when low and behold, my mind began to think of how this has personally affected me, and how I see it affect the world. Now obviously, getting into all of these issues is impossible, but I just wanted to speak on a few that popped in my head. So...
Personally, I have seen time and time again how sin causes one to believe that the Father did not put into our bodies, the perfect amount of endorphins, natural opioids and receptors, and all the other "feel good" parts of our brains. It started harmlessly, I thought. Twelve years old, drinking and smoking weed. Dude, I was cool, all the older kids loved me. Well, by fourteen it was acid. By seventeen coke. By twenty ecstasy. And last, but definitely not least, opiates! Twenty plus years of relying on substances to help me "deal" with life. Friends die, go to jail, and all the other glamorous shit with drugs. But yet this lie, this sin, holds on like a freakin tic, trying to suck out all of your life, and silly me, I thought I loved it. I don't. I love how I feel right now, even though I know that feelings are fleeting. I'm clean, and at random times in my day, I think about the wonderful life that can be had RIGHT HERE because of Jesus. We are free. I can always enjoy a good beer. Sin however, if we get cocky, will twist and distort any good thing that God Himself gave us to enjoy. FYI, if you are shooting up heroine, you aren't "enjoying", you are "escaping". Call me dog, I will try to help.
Next on my little list, sex. Unfortunately, I am so far from pure it makes me cry. Let's think about how natural this is supposed to be. Now, let's think about pop culture, and what "pops" into our minds. We are in this boat together, I do not know of a person with absolutely no "desires" whatsoever. Sex, in the Biblical context, is the most pure, awesome, and enjoyable act we have been blessed with! Of course, I say this as someone who has no idea what that means at all! Can you say, healthy conviction? Obviously, I am humbled by His Grace. Instead of listing all of these sexual acts that are clearly outside of what God's Word says, I would rather think about how I've thrown people under the bus for committing one of the "others", and ignoring mine. Good possibility you know what I'm talking about. Not only has sin warped our understanding, confidence, and trust that sex is supposed to be an act of worship, it has us hating other people for the same sexual sin we are guilty of. I am personally guilty of all of the above. I am now asking for help. Help to love and pray for anyone struggling. Help to pray before I act on the impulse of sin.
Ok, that's enough. Just in these couple paragraphs I think most people can relate and say, we took the bait. The devil, the enemy, he is the one who presented this plague we call sin. We are still taking the bait. And as a matter of fact, we can't escape our flesh, which is sinful in itself. I know I have friends who may read this who don't even believe there is such thing as sin, or God, or whatever. Not to be a dick, but look around. And if there is this "all powerful God", why would He leave us here to rot? He didn't. Dude, if you've heard "all the stories", and you think you know about Jesus Christ, please do me a favor. Read the book in the Bible called Hebrews. I'm convinced that every piece of His Word is mighty to save, but I love this book because I can feel how God went out of His way to show us that He understands.
Make no mistake about it, sin IS A DECLARATION OF WAR! But we already know the end.........
Monday, January 16, 2012
So I'm Eating Salad Now
Dude, what the hell is going on here? I'm a blogger??? I'm starting this at the request of a buddy, but admittedly, it's been on my mind for sometime. Not blogging necessarily, but some way of explaining my inner thoughts to others, or even just getting them off of my freaking chest for my own sake. So with this opening post, I'm gonna start with a brief but honest background of me. If you are easily thrown off, please don't read because I'm not out to hurt your conscience, but I am out to talk freely about sin and redemption.
So, for starters, I'm a man who has been best known for things that really don't mean jack shit in the broad scale of things. I'm a recovering heroine addict. I drink too much sometimes. I'm not nearly as loving as I would like to be. On and on and on....... WHY AM I SAYING THIS???
Because for starters, my entire life has been surrounded by a "natural" family that has supported me through the depths of my depravity, and they have loved me unconditionally. Most importantly, I was drawn to a God who is so much bigger and loving than I can explain with my tiny understanding of Him, and He has not stopped doing His crazy and awesome work with me since He started. And last, but def not least, He has thrown me into a body of other believers who are just as supportive and loving as the whole "natural" family I was blessed with to begin with! We are open. We are as honest as we can be. We pray. I AM NOT ASHAMED BECAUSE OF HIM!
Am I sin-free? No, but I am free from my sins. I'm really just putting this out there as another way to be transparent to the people who need to find encouragement from a self admitted screw up like myself. As my life and inevitable struggles continue, I will try to find a way to express my thoughts as I work through them myself. I do know this, I'm being changed by His grace. That is not cliche, I promise you. It is the Truth from the depths of my heart. I'm actually changing so much, I'm eating salad now, as the title promised.
So, for starters, I'm a man who has been best known for things that really don't mean jack shit in the broad scale of things. I'm a recovering heroine addict. I drink too much sometimes. I'm not nearly as loving as I would like to be. On and on and on....... WHY AM I SAYING THIS???
Because for starters, my entire life has been surrounded by a "natural" family that has supported me through the depths of my depravity, and they have loved me unconditionally. Most importantly, I was drawn to a God who is so much bigger and loving than I can explain with my tiny understanding of Him, and He has not stopped doing His crazy and awesome work with me since He started. And last, but def not least, He has thrown me into a body of other believers who are just as supportive and loving as the whole "natural" family I was blessed with to begin with! We are open. We are as honest as we can be. We pray. I AM NOT ASHAMED BECAUSE OF HIM!
Am I sin-free? No, but I am free from my sins. I'm really just putting this out there as another way to be transparent to the people who need to find encouragement from a self admitted screw up like myself. As my life and inevitable struggles continue, I will try to find a way to express my thoughts as I work through them myself. I do know this, I'm being changed by His grace. That is not cliche, I promise you. It is the Truth from the depths of my heart. I'm actually changing so much, I'm eating salad now, as the title promised.
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