inevitable

Today is kinda brutal.  But then again, so was yesterday and the day before.  Ive almost been alive for 35 years, and if there is one constant in my life, it's that nothing is ever constant.  I'm not sure if it's DNA, me being a product of my environment, or maybe I'm just a little bi-polar.  Who knows?  All I can say is that I'm trying to figure it out myself.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if there is other people who go through "highs and lows" as drastically as I do?  It's probably arrogant to believe that there isn't.  Without consistently being under the influence, my mind is a little more clear.  One of the things that pops into this semi-clear mind is the fact that I know now that I don't want to fall in love with any feeling or mood.  It seems to me that the time frame following a long period of doing all the wrong things, you get the "sensation" or warm fuzziness that you are forgiven.  I'm convinced that the redemption is real, but I'm getting to a place that I'm becoming weary of the feelings.

Over the course of the last week, my dispositon has become a lot less enthusiastic.  This was inevitable.  But where do I go from here?  I've realized that I'm just as much a sinner, with or without drugs.  This kind of brings me back to my original point:  This is where I can choose to believe my emotions and go off the deep end, or this is where I start trying to understand that I am not in search of a constant sunshiny attitude. 

What I am praying is that I continue to seek something deeper, something that means so much more than a fleeting emotional high.  If I'm being honest, I don't understand myself.  I have spent my life avoiding who I am, and it's really important to me that I start now.  I know that this may not make sense to most people, and I'm sorry.  But I really believe that the only way to handle the ups and downs of this screwed up life of mine is to ask my Creator for help.  Help when I'm stoked.  Help when I'm feeling like the piece of shit I feel like right now.  And help to believe that there is a point to all this.

Sorry about what may seem like a negative post.  It's actually not, it's important to face reality.  Honestly, I write these to help myself figure out what I'm thinking.  So I have to be real.